Thursday, December 23, 2010

It's been a while

It's been a while. I just got done with finals week and finally have some time. I should mention that very few people know of my struggle with homosexuality. I have only told a few close friends and a few church leaders. I have yet to tell my family. Though I have a great family who I know will love me no matter what I am still very nervous about tell them. I have debated about whether or not to tell them over and over. I have had a lot of reasons for not telling them: 1. They have enough to worry about without having to worry about me and my problems 2. Once I tell them I can never "untell" them, so if I don't tell them then it still feels like I a have options 3. I am the youngest of a large family, all of my siblings seem to have nearly perfect, successful lives. Lets not forget all except for me are happily married. I already feel enough like the rotten apple without them knowing about this. 4. I really just like to come home and forget my problems and be in a world where it seems like they they don't exist. After all I don't want life to be weird or different to be around my family. 5. Why do they need to know anyway Well, when I first admitted to my self that I had the this problem and needed to deal with it(which was about two years ago) I was sure that I would never talk to my family about. But, as time progressed I warmed up to the possibility. I was still very unsure and after about a year I decide that I should ask God what to. I was ready for any thing, deciding that if He told me to tell them right then I would. To be honest I was expecting that to be the answer I would get. He did answer and the answer was very clear, however, it wasn't what I excepted. It was very clear that I need to wait at least another year before I talk to my family about. At the time I didn't understand. But, now that a year has past it is now it is obvious why I needed to wait the extra time. In the last year I have learned a great deal about how homosexuality forms and especially how I developed these feels. I have learned that there is not only hope but a lot of hope for overcoming it. I feel so much more prepared to tell my family. A year a go I was uneducated about the whole of it. Furthermore, in the last year I have resolved those reasons for not wanting to tell my family and I have realized that so many of those reasons were dumb. 1. I don't think they will have a lot to worry about now that I taking care of the problem and now that I know everything is going to be okay. 2. I don't think I would ever need or want to "untell" them. I think this comes for a more mature understanding that we all have different problems and thats just how it is. 3. I already know that this probably makes me different from them and it's what I think that really matters. Furthermore, we are all individually different. It up to us to learn why and then learn from those things. 4. In a lot of ways, by not telling them, it has distanced me further away from my family because I am not able to sharing with them some big parts of my life. For example, October 26th was a really big day for me. I had a really good appointment with my psychologist and discovered where the root of my homosexual feelings were coming from. My Mom called me that day and though I had some really big news in my life I couldn't tell her about the good news. I often avoid calling my siblings lately because I know that they will ask me about dating. This is a complicated issue for me to explain to someone who doesn't know the full extent of my issues. So I think tell my family will end up being a very good thing. 5. They do need to know cause they are very important people in my life and because they care they want to know what is going in my life. I know they accept and love me but it would be nice to have that assurance that they accept and love me after knowing the full extent of my problems. The time is here that I need to tell my family and though I feel a lot more comfortable telling them now then I did a year ago, I am still very nervous. The last week I have been sick to stomach. Have been just laying awake at night thinking and worry. As good as I know my family I just don't know what there reaction will be. I am just hoping for the best.

1 comment:

  1. Your story reminds me of mine so much!