Sunday, December 26, 2010

On the Devils Goods Days

On the devils good days I sometimes get discourage and wonder about my "Happily Ever After". Is it possible? Will it ever come? It's these times that I pray faith will kick in. I know everything will work out. I know it but sometimes I do wonder.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Today was a good day

Today I spent mostly with my Mom and Dad just enjoying the fact that they know and still love me and treat me the same as always.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Well I Did It

WOW! well I did it I told my Mom and Dad. It was really hard to get it out at first and I had a ton of seconded thoughts but I did it. It's a relief. It's really weird to think my Mom and Dad know. It they took it really well. Afterward my Dad went back to the TV and my Mom went back to sewing and it was as if nothing big happened. I they are really happy to know that I am overcoming it and are wanting to help me in any way. I have been waiting for this day for a long long time and it is just weird that it is here. I am not sure what to think of the whole situation. I think I need to just sleep on it.

It's been a while

It's been a while. I just got done with finals week and finally have some time. I should mention that very few people know of my struggle with homosexuality. I have only told a few close friends and a few church leaders. I have yet to tell my family. Though I have a great family who I know will love me no matter what I am still very nervous about tell them. I have debated about whether or not to tell them over and over. I have had a lot of reasons for not telling them: 1. They have enough to worry about without having to worry about me and my problems 2. Once I tell them I can never "untell" them, so if I don't tell them then it still feels like I a have options 3. I am the youngest of a large family, all of my siblings seem to have nearly perfect, successful lives. Lets not forget all except for me are happily married. I already feel enough like the rotten apple without them knowing about this. 4. I really just like to come home and forget my problems and be in a world where it seems like they they don't exist. After all I don't want life to be weird or different to be around my family. 5. Why do they need to know anyway Well, when I first admitted to my self that I had the this problem and needed to deal with it(which was about two years ago) I was sure that I would never talk to my family about. But, as time progressed I warmed up to the possibility. I was still very unsure and after about a year I decide that I should ask God what to. I was ready for any thing, deciding that if He told me to tell them right then I would. To be honest I was expecting that to be the answer I would get. He did answer and the answer was very clear, however, it wasn't what I excepted. It was very clear that I need to wait at least another year before I talk to my family about. At the time I didn't understand. But, now that a year has past it is now it is obvious why I needed to wait the extra time. In the last year I have learned a great deal about how homosexuality forms and especially how I developed these feels. I have learned that there is not only hope but a lot of hope for overcoming it. I feel so much more prepared to tell my family. A year a go I was uneducated about the whole of it. Furthermore, in the last year I have resolved those reasons for not wanting to tell my family and I have realized that so many of those reasons were dumb. 1. I don't think they will have a lot to worry about now that I taking care of the problem and now that I know everything is going to be okay. 2. I don't think I would ever need or want to "untell" them. I think this comes for a more mature understanding that we all have different problems and thats just how it is. 3. I already know that this probably makes me different from them and it's what I think that really matters. Furthermore, we are all individually different. It up to us to learn why and then learn from those things. 4. In a lot of ways, by not telling them, it has distanced me further away from my family because I am not able to sharing with them some big parts of my life. For example, October 26th was a really big day for me. I had a really good appointment with my psychologist and discovered where the root of my homosexual feelings were coming from. My Mom called me that day and though I had some really big news in my life I couldn't tell her about the good news. I often avoid calling my siblings lately because I know that they will ask me about dating. This is a complicated issue for me to explain to someone who doesn't know the full extent of my issues. So I think tell my family will end up being a very good thing. 5. They do need to know cause they are very important people in my life and because they care they want to know what is going in my life. I know they accept and love me but it would be nice to have that assurance that they accept and love me after knowing the full extent of my problems. The time is here that I need to tell my family and though I feel a lot more comfortable telling them now then I did a year ago, I am still very nervous. The last week I have been sick to stomach. Have been just laying awake at night thinking and worry. As good as I know my family I just don't know what there reaction will be. I am just hoping for the best.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

About This Blog

K, so from this blog I have a few purposes. First and foremost I want to give hope to those who feel bound by homosexuality and need to know that they can choose their own destiny and get help. Second, I write this blog for those who do not have homosexual feelings but want to learn more about it from the perspective of someone who is overcoming it. Third, for me, it is very therapeutic and beneficial for me to write about my own experience. I intend to write about my past, my present, my thoughts, information that I have found helpful and anything else that comes to mind. So, some days I may choose to write about my past and background and others days I may choose to write about what is presently happening in my life. Whatever I write, it is going to be from my heart and I what I feel inspired to talk about.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

The First Post

This is my very first blog post of any kind. To be honest I never thought that I would ever have a blog. I have what I feel to be a very important message that I feel needs to be heard. My name is Justin Caldwell and I have strong homosexual attractions. My opinion about these attractions may not be popular with some who read this blog but they are mine and I hope you respect them. I just ask that you have an open mind and ponder what I have to say. Amid the many voices that tell me that "this is who you are", "you can not change" and "you should just except it", I find hope in and believe that I don't have to be gay.  I believe change is possible. You may call me crazy but I do believe there is hope and people can change. You should know up front that I am a religious person. As religious person I love and respect all regardless of their beliefs and choices. However, this doesn't change the fact that I believe homosexuality is against Gods commandments. Furthermore, if God has commanded us to do something He will provided for us a way to accomplish what he asks of us. (1 Corinthians 10:13) Now, just because a way is provided doesn't mean it will be easy. I know this to be true because He has provided the way for me. Not only has He provided the way but He has been with me every step. It has been a long hard journey but a journey worth taking.