Much needed catch up

I know it has been way to long. I have been busy with life, which is good. As progress continues I have noticed a few things. First, there is no need to stress over same gender attraction. Though, it is a critical part of my life, constance stress over it does not help. I need to continue with life and strive to live well. Through this journey I have gone in stages.

First denial. During the denial stage I would have really really really strong feelings for men that came at complete surprise. The surprise was follow by fear then the denial of these feelings until I had convinced myself that they had not happened(repeated over and over).

Then came the next stage, confrontation. I realized that after constant denial and reoccurrence of feelings that these feelings weren't going to go a way and some how I had to deal with them if I was going to live the life I wanted(heterosexuality). This stage was filled with all kinds of emotions and feelings: hope, despair, fear, stronger attractions, etc.

Then started to what I call the information staged. I started to inform myself of the possibility of real change. I read about the success of others and truly decided that I was going to fight for and commit wholly to heterosexuality and and never look back.

The next stage I call the exploration stage where I explored the rhyme and reason behind my individual homosexuality and explored the possibility of how these attractions developed in me personally. Up to this point the idea of homosexuality seemed to constantly weighing on the mind in varying degrees(most heavily during the information stage). Even if I wasn't experiencing attractions, thoughts were constantly running through my mind like, "What would my family think?", "What does my future hold?" etc. etc.

This next stage is the stage I am in now and have been for a long time. I call it the progress stage. At this point the constant weighing on the mind has disappeared. I still think about it but not often and not with the same high level of anxiety. It's a nice relief. I have a clearer vision, greater faith and more resolve. In this stage I am changing, developing and becoming a more centered person. Homosexuality is not on the for front, life is. The change and progress has been amazing but it takes time. I can't just pull an all-nighter and get it over with. Just like brushing your teeth for and hour at the end of the month does not make up for lack brushing throughout the month.

So this is where I am at. Some times the progress seems to stand still and I get frustrated then without notice it takes a big leap.

I am doing well. Thank you for the many emails, prayers and well wishes. As always, more to come. -Justin

checkin in

It's be way to long. But, since the last post things are going well. I am making good progress but also learning patience. I am definitely growing in my attraction to women and losing attraction to men. Both of these processes are slow BUT they ARE taking place. I have settled the dating question. I am definitely capable and ready for dating. When I posed the question I wasn't but but after some development of attraction and a lot of emotional growth, I am ready. To me it is a new idea and thought. Quiet honestly I don't know what I am doing but it's time and it's knocking at the door.
Have faith. God provides.
-Justin

Life's to Short

A friend of mine recently pass passed away in a very unexpected accident. This has kept me thinking a lot about life and what we do with. This friend was an excellent example of faith and influencing others for good. It's sad to see someone who is so bright and has such a positive impact leave this world. As I pondered these things I have thought about what matters most. In pondering I have decided on few keys things of importance, among these are: 1. listening, especially to God 2. always seek to lift and share the burdens of others 3. stand for something, believe in something and be fiercely true to it 4. don't judge instead simply love 5. always do your best and 6. when you love someone tell them and show them. When I pass from this life to the next I sincerely believe that I will meet my Maker. I hope that I have spent my life in involved in what matters most. Life's to short to get tangled up in a lifestyle that I don't believe in. Life's to short to base my actions on physical impulse. If I don't base my life on what matters most then want I do mostly wont matter.

There was no easy answer.

So in my last post I talked about my thoughts on dating. I am increasingly growing in my attraction girls. However, the growth is by no means what I would consider fast and I still have a ways to go. So, do I date do I not date. It has taken me a long time to get to my answer and the answer is yes and no. So here is how I got there. I was talking to my Therapist about it. One of my main concerns was, "How can I date when I still have unresolved issues?" He helped me to see that imperfect people date all the time. In fact, no one is perfect and thus imperfect people are always dating each other. Some have unresolved issues with trust or a variety of things but should they refrain from dating until everything is completely cleared up? This was in fact a good point. But I was still very concerned with the other person that is a stake, the girl. Is it fair to date her when I maybe wasting her time because I will not marry until my issues are largely resolved? Plus, she deserves to have someone who is truly attracted to her. So, this was the finally conclusion that I came up with. I am allowing myself to date BUT there are first some pre-qualifiers. I must be sincerely attracted to her and can honestly see myself committed to her for the rest of my life. Now even after that I know the relationship may simply not work out but I feel that it would not be fair to either of us if I didn't have the long term commit as a possibility and goal. So I enter a new world. I have always been friends with girls but never had a girlfriend. So many things seem so simple yet so hard. Example: the other day I got a girls phone number. It seems like a simple enough task but it took all the courage I could muster to do it. In the end it really wasn't that difficult but it just took that first little step of faith.

To Date or Not To Date, That is The Question

Hey it been a while. So I am going to do something different this time. First, I am going to talk about my dilemma on dating (and by dating I mean dating I mean dating girls) and then I am going to ask for your feed back. Okay, so here is the thing, I am becoming increasingly more attracted to girls BUT, that doesn't mean I am not still attracted to men. See, some days my attraction to girls is strong and some days it is not. So, part of me says if I am have attractions to girls then I should date and maybe it will help those attractions come along. But I know that I wont marry a girl until I my issues are resolved and though it is possible that my issues could be resolved in a month, it will probably take much longer than that, maybe five, six or seven years. I just don't know. I have seen I a lot of progress in the last year but I am definitely not there yet. So, the other part of me says how can I date someone if I can't guaranty that I will be able to marry them any time in the near future. What do you think I should do? Feel free I comment below or you can email me at IDontHaveToBeGay@gmail.com or jstncaldwell@gmail.com P.S. I am going to ask my therapist tomorrow what he thinks, so come back tomorrow and I'll tell you what he said.

Being true to myself didn't me giving in and give up.

Those who are confused with same gender feelings are often told that they should be "true to themselves" meaning that they accept those attractions as the way they are and they shouldn't try to change them even if they want to. I often thought about that advice. I thought about who I was and what being true to myself meant. I listed the parts of me that wanted and yearned for a heterosexual lifestyle. That list contained the emotional part of me, the social part of me and the spiritual part of me. I then thought about what parts of me want a homosexual lifestyle. I concluded that the only part of me that desired that was the physical part me. I realized that the majority of me deep down truly wanted a heterosexual lifestyle. I truly wanted to have a wife and be a father. Now I had to ask myself, "Should I let that physical part make the choice for the other parts of me? Was i being true to myself by being a homosexual?" The answer for me is clearly no. I did indeed need to be true to my myself, no matter the cost. Even though it meant embarking on the difficult journey of changing my homosexual feelings. I am grateful for that decision and I am now more myself than I have ever been.

Sorry it's been so long

I have been really busy with classes and haven't had a whole lot of time to write but I promise more is to come. Also, I am more than willing to answer questions or hear your comments. Feel free to comment on a post or e-mail me at idonthavetobegay@gmail.com. I promise to keep all correspondence confidential. When I was first learning about overcoming same gender attraction I read a great book from a man that overcame it. I had questions and so I emailed the author. I didn't want use my email so made up a new email that didn't have my name on. You are definitely welcome to do that, I know how it is.

On the Devils Goods Days

On the devils good days I sometimes get discourage and wonder about my "Happily Ever After". Is it possible? Will it ever come? It's these times that I pray faith will kick in. I know everything will work out. I know it but sometimes I do wonder.

Today was a good day

Today I spent mostly with my Mom and Dad just enjoying the fact that they know and still love me and treat me the same as always.

Well I Did It

WOW! well I did it I told my Mom and Dad. It was really hard to get it out at first and I had a ton of seconded thoughts but I did it. It's a relief. It's really weird to think my Mom and Dad know. It they took it really well. Afterward my Dad went back to the TV and my Mom went back to sewing and it was as if nothing big happened. I they are really happy to know that I am overcoming it and are wanting to help me in any way. I have been waiting for this day for a long long time and it is just weird that it is here. I am not sure what to think of the whole situation. I think I need to just sleep on it.

It's been a while

It's been a while. I just got done with finals week and finally have some time. I should mention that very few people know of my struggle with homosexuality. I have only told a few close friends and a few church leaders. I have yet to tell my family. Though I have a great family who I know will love me no matter what I am still very nervous about tell them. I have debated about whether or not to tell them over and over. I have had a lot of reasons for not telling them: 1. They have enough to worry about without having to worry about me and my problems 2. Once I tell them I can never "untell" them, so if I don't tell them then it still feels like I a have options 3. I am the youngest of a large family, all of my siblings seem to have nearly perfect, successful lives. Lets not forget all except for me are happily married. I already feel enough like the rotten apple without them knowing about this. 4. I really just like to come home and forget my problems and be in a world where it seems like they they don't exist. After all I don't want life to be weird or different to be around my family. 5. Why do they need to know anyway Well, when I first admitted to my self that I had the this problem and needed to deal with it(which was about two years ago) I was sure that I would never talk to my family about. But, as time progressed I warmed up to the possibility. I was still very unsure and after about a year I decide that I should ask God what to. I was ready for any thing, deciding that if He told me to tell them right then I would. To be honest I was expecting that to be the answer I would get. He did answer and the answer was very clear, however, it wasn't what I excepted. It was very clear that I need to wait at least another year before I talk to my family about. At the time I didn't understand. But, now that a year has past it is now it is obvious why I needed to wait the extra time. In the last year I have learned a great deal about how homosexuality forms and especially how I developed these feels. I have learned that there is not only hope but a lot of hope for overcoming it. I feel so much more prepared to tell my family. A year a go I was uneducated about the whole of it. Furthermore, in the last year I have resolved those reasons for not wanting to tell my family and I have realized that so many of those reasons were dumb. 1. I don't think they will have a lot to worry about now that I taking care of the problem and now that I know everything is going to be okay. 2. I don't think I would ever need or want to "untell" them. I think this comes for a more mature understanding that we all have different problems and thats just how it is. 3. I already know that this probably makes me different from them and it's what I think that really matters. Furthermore, we are all individually different. It up to us to learn why and then learn from those things. 4. In a lot of ways, by not telling them, it has distanced me further away from my family because I am not able to sharing with them some big parts of my life. For example, October 26th was a really big day for me. I had a really good appointment with my psychologist and discovered where the root of my homosexual feelings were coming from. My Mom called me that day and though I had some really big news in my life I couldn't tell her about the good news. I often avoid calling my siblings lately because I know that they will ask me about dating. This is a complicated issue for me to explain to someone who doesn't know the full extent of my issues. So I think tell my family will end up being a very good thing. 5. They do need to know cause they are very important people in my life and because they care they want to know what is going in my life. I know they accept and love me but it would be nice to have that assurance that they accept and love me after knowing the full extent of my problems. The time is here that I need to tell my family and though I feel a lot more comfortable telling them now then I did a year ago, I am still very nervous. The last week I have been sick to stomach. Have been just laying awake at night thinking and worry. As good as I know my family I just don't know what there reaction will be. I am just hoping for the best.

About This Blog

K, so from this blog I have a few purposes. First and foremost I want to give hope to those who feel bound by homosexuality and need to know that they can choose their own destiny and get help. Second, I write this blog for those who do not have homosexual feelings but want to learn more about it from the perspective of someone who is overcoming it. Third, for me, it is very therapeutic and beneficial for me to write about my own experience. I intend to write about my past, my present, my thoughts, information that I have found helpful and anything else that comes to mind. So, some days I may choose to write about my past and background and others days I may choose to write about what is presently happening in my life. Whatever I write, it is going to be from my heart and I what I feel inspired to talk about.

The First Post

This is my very first blog post of any kind. To be honest I never thought that I would ever have a blog. I have what I feel to be a very important message that I feel needs to be heard. My name is Justin Caldwell and I have strong homosexual attractions. My opinion about these attractions may not be popular with some who read this blog but they are mine and I hope you respect them. I just ask that you have an open mind and ponder what I have to say. Amid the many voices that tell me that "this is who you are", "you can not change" and "you should just except it", I find hope in and believe that I don't have to be gay.  I believe change is possible. You may call me crazy but I do believe there is hope and people can change. You should know up front that I am a religious person. As religious person I love and respect all regardless of their beliefs and choices. However, this doesn't change the fact that I believe homosexuality is against Gods commandments. Furthermore, if God has commanded us to do something He will provided for us a way to accomplish what he asks of us. (1 Corinthians 10:13) Now, just because a way is provided doesn't mean it will be easy. I know this to be true because He has provided the way for me. Not only has He provided the way but He has been with me every step. It has been a long hard journey but a journey worth taking.