I know it has been way to long. I have been busy with life, which is good. As progress continues I have noticed a few things. First, there is no need to stress over same gender attraction. Though, it is a critical part of my life, constance stress over it does not help. I need to continue with life and strive to live well. Through this journey I have gone in stages.
First denial. During the denial stage I would have really really really strong feelings for men that came at complete surprise. The surprise was follow by fear then the denial of these feelings until I had convinced myself that they had not happened(repeated over and over).
Then came the next stage, confrontation. I realized that after constant denial and reoccurrence of feelings that these feelings weren't going to go a way and some how I had to deal with them if I was going to live the life I wanted(heterosexuality). This stage was filled with all kinds of emotions and feelings: hope, despair, fear, stronger attractions, etc.
Then started to what I call the information staged. I started to inform myself of the possibility of real change. I read about the success of others and truly decided that I was going to fight for and commit wholly to heterosexuality and and never look back.
The next stage I call the exploration stage where I explored the rhyme and reason behind my individual homosexuality and explored the possibility of how these attractions developed in me personally. Up to this point the idea of homosexuality seemed to constantly weighing on the mind in varying degrees(most heavily during the information stage). Even if I wasn't experiencing attractions, thoughts were constantly running through my mind like, "What would my family think?", "What does my future hold?" etc. etc.
This next stage is the stage I am in now and have been for a long time. I call it the progress stage. At this point the constant weighing on the mind has disappeared. I still think about it but not often and not with the same high level of anxiety. It's a nice relief. I have a clearer vision, greater faith and more resolve. In this stage I am changing, developing and becoming a more centered person. Homosexuality is not on the for front, life is. The change and progress has been amazing but it takes time. I can't just pull an all-nighter and get it over with. Just like brushing your teeth for and hour at the end of the month does not make up for lack brushing throughout the month.
So this is where I am at. Some times the progress seems to stand still and I get frustrated then without notice it takes a big leap.
I am doing well. Thank you for the many emails, prayers and well wishes. As always, more to come. -Justin
