Much needed catch up

I know it has been way to long. I have been busy with life, which is good. As progress continues I have noticed a few things. First, there is no need to stress over same gender attraction. Though, it is a critical part of my life, constance stress over it does not help. I need to continue with life and strive to live well. Through this journey I have gone in stages.

First denial. During the denial stage I would have really really really strong feelings for men that came at complete surprise. The surprise was follow by fear then the denial of these feelings until I had convinced myself that they had not happened(repeated over and over).

Then came the next stage, confrontation. I realized that after constant denial and reoccurrence of feelings that these feelings weren't going to go a way and some how I had to deal with them if I was going to live the life I wanted(heterosexuality). This stage was filled with all kinds of emotions and feelings: hope, despair, fear, stronger attractions, etc.

Then started to what I call the information staged. I started to inform myself of the possibility of real change. I read about the success of others and truly decided that I was going to fight for and commit wholly to heterosexuality and and never look back.

The next stage I call the exploration stage where I explored the rhyme and reason behind my individual homosexuality and explored the possibility of how these attractions developed in me personally. Up to this point the idea of homosexuality seemed to constantly weighing on the mind in varying degrees(most heavily during the information stage). Even if I wasn't experiencing attractions, thoughts were constantly running through my mind like, "What would my family think?", "What does my future hold?" etc. etc.

This next stage is the stage I am in now and have been for a long time. I call it the progress stage. At this point the constant weighing on the mind has disappeared. I still think about it but not often and not with the same high level of anxiety. It's a nice relief. I have a clearer vision, greater faith and more resolve. In this stage I am changing, developing and becoming a more centered person. Homosexuality is not on the for front, life is. The change and progress has been amazing but it takes time. I can't just pull an all-nighter and get it over with. Just like brushing your teeth for and hour at the end of the month does not make up for lack brushing throughout the month.

So this is where I am at. Some times the progress seems to stand still and I get frustrated then without notice it takes a big leap.

I am doing well. Thank you for the many emails, prayers and well wishes. As always, more to come. -Justin

checkin in

It's be way to long. But, since the last post things are going well. I am making good progress but also learning patience. I am definitely growing in my attraction to women and losing attraction to men. Both of these processes are slow BUT they ARE taking place. I have settled the dating question. I am definitely capable and ready for dating. When I posed the question I wasn't but but after some development of attraction and a lot of emotional growth, I am ready. To me it is a new idea and thought. Quiet honestly I don't know what I am doing but it's time and it's knocking at the door.
Have faith. God provides.
-Justin

Life's to Short

A friend of mine recently pass passed away in a very unexpected accident. This has kept me thinking a lot about life and what we do with. This friend was an excellent example of faith and influencing others for good. It's sad to see someone who is so bright and has such a positive impact leave this world. As I pondered these things I have thought about what matters most. In pondering I have decided on few keys things of importance, among these are: 1. listening, especially to God 2. always seek to lift and share the burdens of others 3. stand for something, believe in something and be fiercely true to it 4. don't judge instead simply love 5. always do your best and 6. when you love someone tell them and show them. When I pass from this life to the next I sincerely believe that I will meet my Maker. I hope that I have spent my life in involved in what matters most. Life's to short to get tangled up in a lifestyle that I don't believe in. Life's to short to base my actions on physical impulse. If I don't base my life on what matters most then want I do mostly wont matter.

There was no easy answer.

So in my last post I talked about my thoughts on dating. I am increasingly growing in my attraction girls. However, the growth is by no means what I would consider fast and I still have a ways to go. So, do I date do I not date. It has taken me a long time to get to my answer and the answer is yes and no. So here is how I got there. I was talking to my Therapist about it. One of my main concerns was, "How can I date when I still have unresolved issues?" He helped me to see that imperfect people date all the time. In fact, no one is perfect and thus imperfect people are always dating each other. Some have unresolved issues with trust or a variety of things but should they refrain from dating until everything is completely cleared up? This was in fact a good point. But I was still very concerned with the other person that is a stake, the girl. Is it fair to date her when I maybe wasting her time because I will not marry until my issues are largely resolved? Plus, she deserves to have someone who is truly attracted to her. So, this was the finally conclusion that I came up with. I am allowing myself to date BUT there are first some pre-qualifiers. I must be sincerely attracted to her and can honestly see myself committed to her for the rest of my life. Now even after that I know the relationship may simply not work out but I feel that it would not be fair to either of us if I didn't have the long term commit as a possibility and goal. So I enter a new world. I have always been friends with girls but never had a girlfriend. So many things seem so simple yet so hard. Example: the other day I got a girls phone number. It seems like a simple enough task but it took all the courage I could muster to do it. In the end it really wasn't that difficult but it just took that first little step of faith.

To Date or Not To Date, That is The Question

Hey it been a while. So I am going to do something different this time. First, I am going to talk about my dilemma on dating (and by dating I mean dating I mean dating girls) and then I am going to ask for your feed back. Okay, so here is the thing, I am becoming increasingly more attracted to girls BUT, that doesn't mean I am not still attracted to men. See, some days my attraction to girls is strong and some days it is not. So, part of me says if I am have attractions to girls then I should date and maybe it will help those attractions come along. But I know that I wont marry a girl until I my issues are resolved and though it is possible that my issues could be resolved in a month, it will probably take much longer than that, maybe five, six or seven years. I just don't know. I have seen I a lot of progress in the last year but I am definitely not there yet. So, the other part of me says how can I date someone if I can't guaranty that I will be able to marry them any time in the near future. What do you think I should do? Feel free I comment below or you can email me at IDontHaveToBeGay@gmail.com or jstncaldwell@gmail.com P.S. I am going to ask my therapist tomorrow what he thinks, so come back tomorrow and I'll tell you what he said.

Being true to myself didn't me giving in and give up.

Those who are confused with same gender feelings are often told that they should be "true to themselves" meaning that they accept those attractions as the way they are and they shouldn't try to change them even if they want to. I often thought about that advice. I thought about who I was and what being true to myself meant. I listed the parts of me that wanted and yearned for a heterosexual lifestyle. That list contained the emotional part of me, the social part of me and the spiritual part of me. I then thought about what parts of me want a homosexual lifestyle. I concluded that the only part of me that desired that was the physical part me. I realized that the majority of me deep down truly wanted a heterosexual lifestyle. I truly wanted to have a wife and be a father. Now I had to ask myself, "Should I let that physical part make the choice for the other parts of me? Was i being true to myself by being a homosexual?" The answer for me is clearly no. I did indeed need to be true to my myself, no matter the cost. Even though it meant embarking on the difficult journey of changing my homosexual feelings. I am grateful for that decision and I am now more myself than I have ever been.

Sorry it's been so long

I have been really busy with classes and haven't had a whole lot of time to write but I promise more is to come. Also, I am more than willing to answer questions or hear your comments. Feel free to comment on a post or e-mail me at idonthavetobegay@gmail.com. I promise to keep all correspondence confidential. When I was first learning about overcoming same gender attraction I read a great book from a man that overcame it. I had questions and so I emailed the author. I didn't want use my email so made up a new email that didn't have my name on. You are definitely welcome to do that, I know how it is.